Susan Bradley-Author of How to be Irresistible to the Opposite Sex

Posts Tagged ‘love wars’

Everyone fights…right? Some people fight below the belt and others above.  Fighting really can be decreased if you are committed to ending the emotional drama.

Some fights are caused when you or your partner cross over healthy boundaries.   What do I mean by this?  Let me give you an example-

I was coaching a couple who have only been together for 14 mos. They were having a rip-roaring verbal fight.  How did it begin?  Well they went to a friends house and agreed to only stay for 30 minutes because there was a two hour drive to get home.  Harry does all the driving so it was in his best interest to make sure that they left at that time.  Instead…he accepts the invitation to have dinner without speaking to Mary about this.  Well, who can eat and run in 30 minutes?  Since Mary didn’t really care when they left and it was Harry who chose to let his belly make the decision it was understandable that he was okay with staying the extra time. A good time was had by all until they were both in the car together and Harry belts out in a very whiny irritated tone of voice:  “Why didn’t you have us leave in 30 minutes. I am tired and now there is a TWO hour drive.”   Mary was shocked about his negativity and after a lovely day and evening it was the last thing she expected him to say.    Now, she was getting blamed for his own choice to stay and eat.    Uh oh…this definitely crossed over a boundary line.    Not O.K. to blame your partner for something you take on, and especially when the decision to accept dinner was not discussed ahead of time.

Faced with a tense two hour drive home with Harry, ….Mary states: ‘Getting cranky about a two hour drive now won’t make the drive any shorter or more pleasant.  We had a great time, don’t ruin it with your negativity.”

Harry, still agitated and not wanting to take full responsibility for his behavior bellows back: ” Well you’re not the one driving.  You get to just sit there and cuddle your dog for two hours.”

Ooooh…that just increased the drama factor 100% because it reminded Mary of the jealousy that Harry has over her relationship with her dog.

But, the main factor here is that there are SOME PEOPLE who do what I call…The PONY factor.   They have fun all day riding the ponies but when the ride is over, they complain bitterly over having to having to clean up the Pony Poo.   As soon as the pleasure is over they don’t want to ‘Pony Up”

The bottom line here is that Mary is living with a partner that doesn’t want to take responsibility for his own actions and decisions.  This is a Victim Mentality…as in…”Every one is doing this to me…wah wah.”  This gets old really fast and it’s really challenging for someone who lives like this to see themselves in the mirror. Recognizing the “blaming” victim behavior and gently confronting it without making the situation worse is a real art.  Are you accidentally walking around and talking from a V mentality?  If you are don’t be hard on yourself. Just realize that in the fish bowl you are swimming in, the water is tainted by Victim thinking, Speaking and Acting.  Most everything that you say or do is “colored” by this.  You may have walking victim-itis and not even realize it, like Harry.  Victims’s always find a PERPETRATOR.   They find someone or something to blame outside of themselves, instead of realizing they may be a MAGNET for drama and things that reconfirm over and over again that they are the poor innocent victim.

Whether you have Victim-itis or not…if you want to have a juicy drama free relationship you must be willing to confront your partner strongly enough that he or she REALLY GETS IT.  Whatever the IT is that you feel they need to learn to grow with.  Don’t enable behavior that will just repeat itself over and over and over again.

Mary was able to STOP the madness and stand up for what she believed in.  She stated, clearly:  “I will not accept the blame or the responsibility for your staying longer than what you originally wanted.”

Harry rebelled a bit and said: “We’re partners and I needed your support.  You didn’t help me leave earlier.”

Mary: ‘You voted with your FEET by staying, just like people going to a dance.  If they like the DJ’s music they vote with their feet and get out on the dance floor.  Your feet were clearly saying, I am not ready to leave.   I am not your caretaker, I care for you and about you and I won’t be babying you by hovering and nagging and saying things like: Didn’t you want to leave already?”

Clearly Harry didn’t like the fact that he had indeed VOTED WITH HIS FEET. He said: Let’s stop talking about this now.  Mary, being fully committed to the quality of their relationship said: Honey, if we don’t handle all of the issues about this now it will continue damaging our relationship.  I won’t want to go anywhere with you and fear that afterwards, you are going to spend the rest of the evening complaining.    I am not taking any responsibility for your choice to stay.

Harry then apologized by saying: “I’m sorry.  I get cranky when I am tired.”     This was a good step in the right direction but…again he wasn’t taking FULL RESPONSIBILITY for his actions.  He was blaming his actions on a “feeling”, making it okay to treat someone badly or rudely just because he was tired.

Mary, recognizing that this was a step in the right direction but was ONLY 80% and being committed to her relationship said:  Thankyou for your apology.  There is only one remaining issue.  The issue is that in my world…it is NEVER okay to blame your behavior on being CRANKY just because you are tired.  It would have been way better for you to just make a comment from the very beginning.  You could have said: Oh why didn’t I have us leave sooner. I am tired and now we have a two hour drive.

If he had said it that way, Mary, could have given him empathy and said:  Well, yes, there is a two hour drive ahead of us and I am sorry you are feeling tired.  How about if we focus on the fun we just had and try to make the trip less boring, tiring and more fun?”

If Mary, had just let Harry continue acting like a victim, blaming her for his choices, eventually she would just shut down emotionally and not want to spend any time with Harry which would have just triggered his rejection button and over time would have ended their relationship.   Who wants that?    Once a couple handles their emotional drama, once and for all, they don’t have to repeat the same old fight over the same old thing.    Handling issues frees up each half of the couple to focus more on what they want in their relationship instead of what they don’t want.  We’re always placing orders in the Universe for what we want and what we don’t want.  If you DON”T help your partner or let your partner help you by recognizing unproductive destructive communication patterns you are telling the UNIVERSE that you want more of that same behavior.  Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself and be committed to shining the mirror on you or your partners shadow side in such a way that it truly can be addressed, once and for all.

If you don’t feel that you are strong enough to speak up, I highly recommend finding a success coach or relationship coach to support you in finding your true voice.  You will be so glad when you do.

Email and share your thoughts on this story.  What would you do different?  Share what has occurred for you when you do speak up and how you feel about yourself when you don’t speak up.

Take the FREE Soulmate Test found at www.MyDramaFreeRelationship.com